The last few weeks have been a real challenge for me; I’ve been plummeting to the depths of my mind, I visited places I haven’t seen for a long time and I’ve got to admit I was scared – I didn’t see a solution fore-coming and considered possibilities that only make sense when you want the pain, the hurt, the hours of worrying and the fact that you can’t stand the person you’ve become to end.
The odd thing is I thought I’d be able to ‘act my problems away.’ If I acted as if nothing was affecting me surely my mind and way of thinking would catch up? Maybe I could fool my myself? No such luck. It didn’t work, I don’t think I give my mind as much credit as it deserves half the time, it isn’t easily fooled, and this led to a mini-breakdown while at work. I was on the phone and I could feel myself about cry and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hold back the tears; I needed to escape.
I went to one of the few free rooms within our building, unaware that my senior manager was following me. I had to release what was going on inside and I am a great believer that a good cry can solve half of life’s problems. I don’t usually reference my employer that much when I’m reflecting on situations but I really do have to give credit where credit is due, my senior manager listened to my concerns and offered support. I left our ‘meeting’ feeling slightly better, feeling as if I had offloaded part of my concerns – as if I didn’t have to hide how I was feeling; as if it were okay to not be okay.
The day rolled into night, as it tends to do, and the next day soon arrived. I was back in work, optimistic that things would be okay. Unfortunately that wasn’t the case, one little bump in the road and I suddenly had an ‘out of body’ experience, I couldn’t cope. I wasn’t in the right place.
The company were actually very understanding and sympathetic to the situation; they didn’t mind me having a meeting with my union rep. that lasted over two hours, nor deny me the week off I requested to put things into prospective, to build myself back up and get the support in place that I need.
So, this is day one. I’ve had a small stumble but today is the first day of the rest of my life.