It Has Been Awhile!

Lets be honest, I’m not the best at updating this. It’s like my paper journal, I buy one every so often because I like the look of the book and then my entries drop from every night to every other night, to every week until, eventually, it becomes a once a month or less thing. It isn’t that I can’t be an articulate person as really the written word is my strongest weapon in most cases  – being deaf I’ve had to rely on text a lot more than others so can string a sentence or two together; I’m even working on a book!

That said, at times, even the written word alludes me; I become so overwhelmed by people and emotions etc. that even just writing things down isn’t enough. That said, I’ll give a quick snapshot into my life at the moment with a promise that I’ll do a fuller post in the near future.

My mental health has taken a hit recently, I don’t think I’ve recovered from the situation surrounding my previous employer, how they basically bullied me out of the job – looking for any small excuse to cause an issue. I still have very dark days, some worryingly dark at times; I’ve had the police knock on my door on a couple of occasions as friends have become concerned and wanted to check I was okay. Needless to say the answer is I don’t know. In a world that is moving so fast I have started to notice that I have little/no control over many aspects of my own life and, at times, it feels like the only decision I have is the most ultimate one.

It seems as if no one can help either. I have tried talking to my GP, however, it never leads anywhere.

My epilepsy hasn’t been improving but that could be down to not taking my medication as prescribed. I go through phases where I take it religiously, then realise I’m not religious. I have just started taking it again, hopefully if it decreases the number of seizures I have on a monthly basis this will cheer me up enough to kick the depression and make me want to keep taking it? Anti-epileptic drugs are basically designed to “mess” with the messages being sent around the brain, surely it isn’t too far fetched to think that they may help “mess” them up enough to put me into a happier mood?

I’m a half deaf again, my Cochlear BAHA implant became infected (badly) a couple of months ago, I requested that the site be disregarded and a new one placed slightly further back. I requested this when it was first put in, it never healed right, but the doctors never agreed. I finally built up enough courage to say “this is what we are going to do” rather than ask, it seemed to work. Living with one implant active for the first time in awhile is odd! I went for years without hearing, got these and got epic surround sound – only to go back to being partly deaf. Hopefully it won’t take too long for them to fit the second one again! It doesn’t help that I need to take my surviving BAHA in for repair but can’t find the time.

Finally, I’ve moved house! I’ve moved to a house share. It isn’t too bad if I’m honest, its a lovely big house in a nice area with two massive parks on my doorstep and only a 5 min cycle to the city centre. The other people living here seem to be nice, they keep wanting to be social but I’ve been putting it off if I’m honest. I need to grab life by the horns and all that.

I hope the next update will come quicker than this one and will reflect a bit more of my usual cheerful self!

 

Advertisements

Organ Donation

To my devoted wife I leave my heart, in truth it has always been yours from the start; from the moment we met and it skipped its first beat. Our whirl-win romance hasn’t given it a chance to catch up and although death ceases its beat the strength of our love will keep it pulsating and thudding stronger than ever.
To my darling daughter I leave my hands, I may be gone but I will always be with you. Hands do the most important jobs in the world – a hand to hold in the dark, they help you up when you fall down and cheer when things go well.
To my dear son, I leave my legs. Being gay you have a lot of miles to walk fighting the greatest fight known to man, inequality. My legs will carry you that extra mile, help you stand that extra hour and strengthen you when you feel weak.
To my mother I leave my eyes. Depression is the hardest thing to understand, it distances and destroys relationships. Take my eyes, see the world as I seen it to understand. See that through the darkness came a distant light; the smiles, the laughter and the love.

I’m Sorry.

If you had asked me a few months ago, a year ago or more I’d have said I was “alright” to know, I went out my way to help people where I could and tried my hardest to not let my personal problems show; I didn’t want people to know that my “perfect life” wasn’t that perfect after all. My pride has always come from helping others where I can and making sure people are able to overcome the hardships in their lives – I volunteer with Time to Change and The Samaritans to help people realise there are people who genuinely care in this world and want to help. I volunteered to ensure that people don’t get judged, to help end the stigma. Continue reading

Recovery Update

*Previously*

You may remember that not that long ago I went through a bit of a downward spiral, I didn’t feel that I was going to be able to snap myself back together and, after a little breakdown at work, it was agreed that I should take week off. To allow myself to heal, calm and find inner peace. Continue reading

The Beautiful Route To 29

This week I’m doing something that I’ve not done before, cycling my way across England. I’m mainly sticking to the cycle paths and I’ve got to admit – I’m seeing a new beauty to the country. On a train you see a wonderful snapshot of the countryside as you whirl past but cycling you see every detail from every blade of grass to every fly that whizzes itself at speed into your face. Continue reading

I Want To Be Alone…. Maybe?

So it’s no shocker, I have epilepsy; I have seizures. What is shocking is that I think someone has noticed something that I haven’t – I actually, sometimes, want help and despite my constant requests for complete privacy when I have a seizure, I am actually human; I need support, I need assurance and I need to know someone is there for me during a time my brain shuts itself down and my body crashes.

Continue reading

Recovery: Day One

The last few weeks have been a real challenge for me; I’ve been plummeting to the depths of my mind, I visited places I haven’t seen for a long time and I’ve got to admit I was scared – I didn’t see a solution fore-coming and considered possibilities that only make sense when you want the pain, the hurt, the hours of worrying and the fact that you can’t stand the person you’ve become to end. Continue reading

The Truth About Being Amazing

I remember in college, when I studying my A-Levels, in the first chemistry class of the year a girl tapped my sign language interpreter on the shoulder (he was sitting next to me) and said something to him. He had worked with me before and said it wasn’t important, he’d tell me at the end -I obviously trusted his judgement. At the end this girl’s smile beamed from ear to ear as he said to me “she thinks its amazing you’re here!” I smiled and nodded but this was the start of the year, our first lesson, she literally thought I was amazing for sitting in a room. If only she knew my results, I think she’d think I was a little less amazing. Continue reading

The Gym

Living with a disability certainly places limits on what you can and cannot do, these limits however are usually placed by a person without a disability and despite best efforts, sometimes you find yourself fighting a losing battle. Sometimes their ideas, their boxes, their definitions and their social norms are what limits our lives – because they won’t listen. Continue reading